Carmen
“You could be anything, anywhere. Why not go somewhere where your daughter is more than just this? Here, all we get are a few specks of time where any of this actually makes any sense.”
— Joy Wang, Everything Everywhere All At Once
Our parents all have those particular phrases that make us stop in our tracks and feel apprehensive.
The one that always made me fill with dread was: ‘I need you to help me with something’.
As innocent as it sounded, I knew the task at hand was going to be difficult for a multitude of reasons. As the child of immigrants, it could be anything from helping my parents add a contact to WhatsApp, writing an email, or filling out a tax form I knew nothing about.
More often than not, the task would quickly evolve into an argument. My parents criticized me for not understanding the task they needed help with, and I shouted back I didn’t know how to do it- I was a child, after all.
The worst part, though, came at the end, when they inevitably gave up and waved me away. The disappointment in their eyes was culpable, but I pretended not to see it.
Despite the frustration, it always made me feel guilty and worthless. After all, my parents spoke English as a second language, and of course, they would need my help.
Carrying some form of guilt as children is not uncommon, but I would argue that there is a specific type of guilt experienced by children of immigrants.
As children, it’s difficult to fully comprehend and understand the journey our parents had undertaken long before we were born. Such as the trauma and anxiety that comes with a long-haul voyage or flight to a new country where you can’t speak the language fully, and for some, during a time when people were less tolerant. Perhaps their family was broken up as not everyone could stay together. Perhaps they were escaping famine or war. Either way, the decision to move under such stressful circumstances in search of a better life is a decision we can only be grateful to never experience.
I recently watched a film called ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once’, which had a line that struck a chord with me:
“You could be anything, anywhere. Why not go somewhere where your daughter is more than just this? Here, all we get are a few specks of time where any of this actually makes any sense.”
This is spoken by a daughter to her mother during a heated argument. But the mother’s response was even more poignant:
“Of all the places I could be, I just want to be here with you.”
Whilst we may not all come from loving, healthy backgrounds, there is no changing the past that led to your present. It might be a luxury to seek fulfillment in life as opposed to surviving day by day, but many of the circumstances surrounding your upbringing are out of your control.
The burden of guilt holds us back because we are too afraid to one day learn that our parents’ sacrifice wasn’t worth it. But their decisions made when you were young, or before you were even born, are not something you are accountable for.
All we have in this life are a few specks of time where any of this actually makes any sense. Let’s make the most of it.