2020, ้’ๅนดๅœ’ๅœฐ

๐—œ’๐—บ ๐——๐—ผ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ถ๐˜€ ๐—™๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐—ฌ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ข๐˜„๐—ป ๐—š๐—ผ๐—ผ๐—ฑ

Wynne C

How many times have you heard the phrase, โ€œIm doing this for your own goodโ€ and instantly felt seen, heard or loved? I’m going to be bold and say, probably never!

If you grew up in a strict, traditional big Chinese family like I did, I am sure you were always hearing this phrase being thrown about. It could be the smallest matter like asking you to eat more vegetables, or a bigger deal like telling you to lose weight or pushing you towards a career you have no interest in. Whatever it is, that phrase seldom goes down well, yet so many people continue saying it.

A person who says โ€œI’m doing this for your own goodโ€ appears to be a caring one. They seem to genuinely want to help. They seem to have everything figured out and are presenting you with the best option. However, when we truly think about it, the core message of โ€œI’m doing this for your own goodโ€ sounds more like this: โ€œI know what’s best for you more than you doโ€, โ€œIf you do what I say, you will have no troubleโ€, โ€œYou will regret if you don’t do what I sayโ€ and most importantly, โ€œI have no confidence in your ability to make decisions for yourselfโ€.

This phrase can be camouflaged in other forms. Even if some people don’t say those exact words, they do or say things that imply the same. This is particularly challenging for those on the receiving and are going through a tough time in life.

About a year ago, I went through a very traumatic experience that turned my life upside down due to betrayal. I remember still being in the โ€œshock and denialโ€ phase of the grief cycle when I was faced with people with โ€œgood intentionsโ€ who, unfortunately, said many things that made matters worse. Some examples of this are, โ€œI totally understand what you are going throughโ€, โ€œDon’t worry, time will heal all woundsโ€, โ€œWhy are you crying? There is no pointโ€, โ€œGod is in controlโ€ (with no further follow-up), โ€œWe don’t deserve anything. It is all a gift from Godโ€ (in response to โ€œI don’t think I deserve any of thisโ€), and the one that truly took the cake was โ€œYour forgiveness for X is not complete until you can embrace them when you see themโ€. On the surface, these words sound harmless. In fact, most of it sounds very true and reasonable. However, if presented to a person who is deeply hurting, there may be catastrophic consequences. ๐—ก๐—ผ๐˜ ๐—ฒ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜†๐˜๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ฟ๐˜‚๐—ฒ ๐—ถ๐˜€ ๐—ธ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ฑ, ๐˜๐—ถ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—น๐˜† ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฒ๐—บ๐—ฝ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฐ.

Here is something I did not know until I went through it personally. When I was at my lowest, I was bombarded with a myriad of ideas and suggestions on how to heal and move on. ๐—œ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—น๐˜ ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—น๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐—ฏ๐˜† ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ฒ๐˜…๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐˜๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ผ๐—ฝ๐—น๐—ฒ ๐˜„๐—ต๐—ผ๐—บ ๐—œ ๐—ธ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜„ โ€œ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐˜ ๐˜„๐—ฒ๐—น๐—นโ€. ๐—œ๐—ป๐˜€๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ณ๐—ผ๐—ฐ๐˜‚๐˜€๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ป ๐—ท๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜† ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜†, ๐—œ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—น๐˜ ๐—ฎ๐—ป ๐—ฒ๐˜…๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฒ ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—บ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—น ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ๐˜๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—น ๐—ณ๐—ฎ๐˜€๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ฟ. ๐—œ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—น๐˜ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—ถ๐—ณ ๐—œ ๐—ฑ๐—ถ๐—ฑ ๐—ป๐—ผ๐˜ ๐˜€๐—ต๐—ผ๐˜„ ๐—พ๐˜‚๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ธ ๐˜€๐—ถ๐—ด๐—ป๐˜€ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜† ๐—ณ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐—บ ๐˜๐—ฟ๐—ฎ๐˜‚๐—บ๐—ฎ, ๐—œ ๐˜„๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฑ ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ ๐—น๐—ฒ๐˜๐˜๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—บ ๐—ฑ๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ป. ๐—ง๐—ต๐—ถ๐˜€ ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐˜๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ป ๐—บ๐—ฎ๐—ฑ๐—ฒ ๐—บ๐—ฒ ๐—ณ๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—น ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ต๐—ถ๐—ฑ๐—ฒ ๐—บ๐˜† ๐—ฝ๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ถ๐—ป๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ถ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฒ๐˜€. I felt a lot of guilt due to this external pressure and it became another issue I had to address and
overcome later on. The truth is, at that point in time, all I really needed was encouragement and comradery.

So here are a few tips for those who are reading this and feel challenged to be a better, more effective friend to someone you know who is in pain:

1. ๐—ฌ๐—ผ๐˜‚ ๐—ป๐—ฒ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ ๐˜๐—ฟ๐˜‚๐—น๐˜† ๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ฑ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒโ€™๐˜€ ๐—ฝ๐—ฎ๐—ถ๐—ป. Stop when you find yourself saying or doing something that implies you do.

2. There is such a thing as saying the right thing at the wrong time. If you are feeling awkward and do not know what to say, donโ€™t say anything at all. ๐—” ๐—ต๐˜‚๐—ด ๐—ด๐—ผ๐—ฒ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ ๐—น๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ด ๐˜„๐—ฎ๐˜†!

3. ๐—ช๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ป ๐˜€๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ฒ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ ๐—ถ๐˜€ ๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ฒ๐—ถ๐—ฟ ๐—น๐—ผ๐˜„๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜, ๐—ท๐˜‚๐˜€๐˜ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐˜€๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ฐ๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ๐—น๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐—ป ๐—ฏ๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ ๐˜€๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ๐—ฐ๐—ฒ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐—ด๐—ฟ๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐˜ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—ณ๐—ผ๐—ฟ๐˜.

4. Unless someone who is hurting approaches you specifically for advice, keep them to yourself however hard it may be.

I want to share this quote from the Asian-American author and
chaplain J.S. Park:

โ€œYes, Christians, โ€˜God is in control.โ€™ No, Christians, that does not absolve you of responsibility, accountability, rolling up your sleeves, digging in your heels, and doing the hard work of healing and justice and grieving together.โ€

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